Torchwood, a spinoff of the new Doctor Who, is finally available on Netflix. I am anxiously awaiting its arrival in my tiny metal mailbox in 48 to 72 hours. In preparation for the fabulousness that awaits I went to the BBC’s Torchwood website and noticed the flashing words at the bottom of the page, lighting my heart with pitter patters of ecstasy - WATCH SLEEPER IN FULL NOW - joy of all joys - I would no longer have to wait days to have Torchwood revealed to me. However, when I clicked on the link this is the message that I received: "Access to this site is restricted. If you are outside the UK you will not be able to use bbc.co.uk/torchwood for rights reasons." BASTARDS! Denying me the sweet happiness of seeing James Marsters getting vampy with John Barrowman… I guess I’ll just have to bide my time until the little red envelope makes it way into my mailbox.

This year I treated myself to a Bushism countdown calendar that provides me daily amusement at the expense of our current president. Amidst my pleasure I began to wonder if there was anyone else who was

a) over privileged and unwilling to accept their own culpability/stupidity 

b) privy to making dimwitted remarks and 

c) had daddy bail them out of trouble again and again.

Then it hit me George W. could be the dunce cap to the pointy head of Paris Hilton. It is all coming together now… one celebrity rich kid is in the White House trying vainly to look cool as he runs the country into the bay- Guantanamo Bay that is… and a second celebrity rich kid thumbing her nose at the world by subjecting us to sex tapes, reality tv, and vapid quotes of "that’s hot…"

So, here’s a game that will likely reveal more about American culture than you probably wanted to think about. Let’s play a guessing game- Presidential or Parisian? Did the President or Paris make these inane comments?

      

1. "I’ve got God’s shoulder to cry on. And I cry a lot. I do a lot of crying in this job. I’ll bet I’ve shed more tears than you can count…"

2. "There are jobs Americans aren’t doing. … If you’ve got a chicken factory, a chicken-plucking factory, or whatever you call them, you know what I’m talking about." 

3. "I’m totally normal. I think it’s obnoxious when people demand limos or bodyguards. I eat at McDonald’s or Taco Bell. My parents always taught us to be humble. We’re not spoiled."

4. "It hurts that, you know, the media’s made me into sort of this like punching bag or cartoon character–they think that I don’t have any feelings, and, you know, it hurts like anyone else."

5. "I said to her, make sure the rug says ‘optimistic person comes to work.’"  

6. "I first wanted to be a veterinarian. And then I realised you had to give them shots to put them to sleep, so I decided I’d just buy a bunch of animals and have them in my house instead."

7. "I’m not like that smart. I like forget stuff all the time."

8. "You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you’re gone."

9. "My job is a job to make decisions. I’m a decision — if the job description were, what do you do — it’s decision maker."

10. "I’m going to try to see if I can remember as much to make it sound like I’m smart on the subject."

11. "I’ve definitely matured and grown a lot from this experience … I could be a more responsible role model."

12. "Wal-mart… do they like make walls there?"

13. "I don’t really think, I just walk."

14. "See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in…"

15. "I’ve made all my money on my own without my family and I work very hard, … Just listening to my father . . . So just basically following that and following my heart."

16. "Education belongs to everybody. High standards belongs to everybody."

17. "I’m a really good person. I’m down to earth. I have a big heart. I have feelings. And I’m just like everybody else."

18. "I think I am a good role model."

19. "For all you C students out there, it’s amazing what can happen to you if you keep working hard."

20. "It’s really exciting, … I’ve been wanting to do this forever, and now it’s finally coming together. I’m so happy."

Answers 1. W 2. W 3. P 4. P 5. W 6. P 7. P 8. W 9. W 10. W 11. P 12. P 13. P 14. W 15. P 16. W 17. P 18. P 19. W 20. P

So this past weekend provided me an extra day to laze about the house, catch up on movies, read some books, and overall be a couch potato. I did happen to spend some time on the internet with my hours of time to fill and I noticed that "Breaking News" appears to have taken on a whole new meaning. [Insert soap box here and step up].

For instance, somehow, CNN defines Heath Ledger’s death, Ringo Starr walking off Regis and Kelly, tourists trapped in South African cable cars, and a drunk baby "breaking news" whereas I tend to think that perhaps the story lines of greater importance might be the Congo Peace Talks, China’s crackdown on workplace deaths after 10 Olympic workers died, the Fed slashing interest rates, or even Fred Thompson quitting the White House race. I’m even ok with the Oscar nominations being on the list of top news for the day.

I’m curious- when did "legitimate" news organizations start classifying idiotic stories as "Breaking News"? Shouldn’t that be reserved for something truly important- I don’t know, let’s start with the apocalypse and work our way back.

So, attention newscasters, DON’T interrupt my regularly scheduled program to tell me that yet another actor has died from *gasp* an overdose of pills and was having an alleged affair with an Olsen twin. First of all, ick. That is broaching on sketchy Britney Spears territory. And I certainly don’t want to hear about yet another Hollywood tragedy on NPR on my way home from work.

There is certainly nothing wrong with getting a healthy dose of Hollywood tabloid stories however keep these stories to People, Star, and supermarket tabloids and out of legitimate news sources. I hope you hear me CNN, Dallas Morning News, Los Angeles Times, and other so-called "legitimate" news outlets- leave the histrionics to the tabloids and try writing a real story every once in awhile or at least steal some from the associated press.

[Stepping down from the soap box and setting aside… for now]

I recently received a link to Cogitamus Republican primary field as Buffy villains which made me start thinking what villains are lurking in the Democratic primary field. I certainly don’t want to put The Mayor or The Master into the White House (though some may argue that The Mayor currently resides at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue).

Hillary as Glory?

But I’m a god! She’s pouty and slightly hysterical… and she has a mortal alter-ego Ben who tries to ingratiate himself on others to convince them that he’s not such a bad guy. In order to survive, Glory sucks the life-energy from humans…usually via the head. If you’re lucky enough to survive, you can see the reality of Glory’s dimension. Sadly, that will lead you to the psychiatric ward.

Barack as Sweet?

By invoking Sweet’s power, life becomes a musical, with everyone bursting into song and sharing their intimate feelings… though ultimately spontaneously combusting by dancing themselves to death. Change isn’t so sweet when you can’t control the spiraling effects.

John Edwards as Ted Buchanan?

A Stepford father, Ted Buchanan, Joyce’s seemingly perfect boyfriend is successful at work, is an amazing chef, promotes strong family values, and is caring and kind - his only flaw is that he’s a psychotic robot.

Dennis Kucinich as a Gentleman?

Tall, skeletal and polite however the Gentleman magically stole the voices from population of Sunnydale and stored them in a carved wooden box. If only our voices were free to admit that we secretly like the peacenik politics of Kucinich.

Check out The Buffy and Angel Trivia Guide for more of your favorite villains.

In honor of the raging political debates… and the increasing need for change in our political system… enjoy Bent Objects political interpretation of "change".

"To stand up for these Americans, I don’t want to settle for anything less than real change, fundamental change – change we need – change that we can believe in." Barack Obama

"This is a message of change that will sweep across this country." John Edwards

"The challenges of change are always hard." Hillary Clinton "Change is coming." John McCain

"If ever there’s been a time we needed change in Washington, it’s now." Mitt Romney

A countdown of pointy things that Deals can fit in her hole-

A sharp toothpick 

A sharpened pencil 

A turkey baster

A flute / clarinet

Her finger

And also overheard, was that at one point her brains were leaking out of the hole in her crotch… perhaps that was due to not knowing how to spell the names of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.