The Great Outdoors
I like nature… as long as it stays outside where it belongs. It was not too long ago when I would have taken a shoe and beaten the shit out of anything creepy or crawly that would have come within 10 yards of me. Now? Eh… Unless it is going to send it’s poison coursing through my veins and dispatch me to an early death I am ok with it… again, as long as it stays outside where it belongs.
This being said nature broke our uneasy truce the other night and ventured inside the inner sanctum, MY BEDROOM, in effect saying a big fuck you to my unspoken rule. A lizard crawled across the wall and took up residence at approximately 9:15 PM. I know what you are thinking, “Why are you scared of a little lizard? Aren’t those the cute animals that little boys and girls have as their first pets?”
And my retort is “Exactly.” Lizards are gateway reptiles. First it’s a cute little lizard prancing across the wall, then it’s a black mamba snake curled up in my armoire, followed by a crocodile snapping it’s hungry jaws under my bed hoping for a midnight snack.
That is why you just have to say no to lizards. JUST SAY NO. They are going to lead you down a dark alleyway; tempt you with their forked tongues, their tiny three toed pointy jester feet, and their beguiling eyes. But you must resist!
I must tell you it was not easy getting that sucker out of my room without waking the house. I coaxed, I swatted, I prodded; finally after almost two hours of glaring at the little bugger I managed to lure him over to the window and used my flip-flop to propel him out the window and to his destiny, hopefully as an after dinner snack for the dog.
Score: 1, Singular Girl
Score: Big Fat Zero, Nature
