I am exercising my right to vote as an absentee voter.  I went online weeks ago, dutifully filled out my form, and mailed it in to my Elections Administrator.  Yesterday I was rewarded for my diligence with my first ballot a mere 2 days before the election and 7 days before my ballot is supposed to be in the hands of my official election representative. 

Really?  Do you think my ballot form is going to magically teleport itself from Africa? I’m not holding my breath that it will make it to an office thousands of miles away in a mere 6 days as it took 4 months for my last package to arrive in my hands beaten and tattered.

However, as I spent N$9 on postage for an envelope that has a better chance of ending up in Monrovia rather than walking across the street to Spar and splurging on an ice cold coke informs you of my commitment to the election process. 

So, in anticipation, I ripped open my official absentee balloting material excited to learn what propositions would be on the ballot vying for my yea or nay.  I read through the constitutional amendments once… twice… a third time and then began to question whether they printed the ballot in Greek. 

For instance, Prop 5 states, “The constitutional amendment authorizing the legislature to authorize a single board of equalization for two or more adjoining appraisal entities that elect to provide for consolidated equalizations.”  WTF?  What does that even mean?  I have two advanced degrees and I can’t even comprehend that sentence.  No wonder no one votes any more. 

I think they need to ditch this antiquated voting system and go the way of McDonalds cash registers and put pictures on the ballot. 

Do you want fries with that?  Picture of a box of fries. 

Do you want to start a fund to get Texas universities national recognition as research institutions?  Picture of a university. 

Do you want Rick Perry to steal your money and redirect it into corporate bigwig pockets? Picture of a pickpocket.

The idea is simple, direct, and to the point.  I don’t know why I have to be the one to come up with all of the ingenious ideas.  It’s tough being so brilliant sometimes that it hurts.  

Ok, I get it.  Obama is awesome.  Despite my lack of proximity within the past 8 months I hear he walks on water; he must if he is winning a Nobel Peace Prize after less than a year in office. 

I’m sure no one is jumping to conclusions and ASSUMING he is going to solve all of the world’s problems – like nuclear disarmament and peace in the Middle East.  Just because we have been dealing with those pesky issues for decades I’m sure he will have it figured out by the end of his first term in office… if not by then, at least by his second- that’s when everything gets done anyways. 

And, Zimbabwean Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai, I mean, what’s he done lately?  Other than ensuring that Zimbabwe doesn’t break into civil war by powersharing with megalomaniac President Mugabe while helping stabilize their rollercoaster economy… Who needs a Nobel Peace Prize for actual achievement when you can get one for your intentions? 

I hear that Miss America wants world peace; does that qualify her for a Nobel Peace Prize now?  

Former President and Founding Father of the Namibian nation, Dr. Sam Nujoma, recently verbalized his xenophobia for Caucasians; specifically the British, American, and German people. Nujoma who allegedly made xenophobic remarks in the past continued this trend with the following comments at a recent election rally for ruling party, Swapo.

Nujoma accused whites of having “provoked us for too long”, having no respect for the truth, and being poisonous like a mamba snake.  Furthermore, he stated that the American and British people and governments are criminals, adding: “ngele mwa mono omwInglisa dhengeni komutse” which translates from Oshiwambo to “If you see an English person club him/her to the head.”

Dr. Nujoma urged Namibian youth to be educated in order not to be misled by American and British imperialists and called on Namibians to be ready to fight against imperialists.

I do not deny that the U.S. and England make unpopular political decisions that have a global impact however I find it amazing that someone of Dr. Nujoma’s position and influence could paint a negative portrayal of an entire race of people with a single brushstroke.  This situation reminds me of the adage, “with great power comes great responsibility.”  Clearly Nujoma would rather use his power to incite a nation to hate than reconciliation. 

I find it interesting that Nujoma’s comments are directed at white people that are essentially periphery players in Namibian politics.  Nujoma’s resentment seems misplaced as he is harboring malcontent towards the British due to their colonization of Zimbabwe, a nation, which earned its democratic freedom almost 30 years ago.  Additionally, his dislike of the German population dates back to the German-Herero War that took place in the early 1900s.  Yet, considering that Namibia won its freedom from an apartheid government less than 2 decades ago one would think that Nujoma might air his frustration with the white Afrikaner population who subjugated an entire population to apartheid policies, permitted human suffering, and repressed generations of Africans from realizing their full potential. 

Despite Nujoma’s irrational tirade I do agree that the Namibian youth should insist on education to promote free thinkers who seek the truth.  The time has come for a future generation to take control of their lives and persevere to get the best possible education that Namibia can provide them. 

The following email is from Senator Leahy regarding the Peace Corps Expansion Act funding vote.  Though the bill didn’t pass, his office’s response to those who contacted him encouraging him to get the bill moved forward is definitely interesting and worth a read. I’ll refrain from sharing my opinion and let you draw your own conclusions from Senator Leahy’s statement.    

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: <Senator_Leahy@leahy.senate.gov>
Date: Thu, Jul 16, 2009 at 1:26 PM
Subject: From Senator Patrick Leahy
 
Thank you for contacting me about funding for the Peace Corps. As Chairman of the Appropriations subcommittee that funds foreign assistance programs, I have recommended $373,440,000 for the Peace Corps for fiscal year 2010, which is equal to the amount requested by President Obama and is $33,440,000 above the fiscal year 2009 level.
 
I strongly support the mission of the Peace Corps, which can be as relevant today in promoting American values abroad as it was when it was founded almost a half century ago. But the world has changed significantly since then, and the Peace Corps needs to adapt to the 21st Century. However, past efforts by the subcommittee to encourage the Peace Corps to reform and make better use of resources have been ignored. A new Director with a new vision, who recognizes the need for reform, supports transparency, and seeks a constructive relationship with Congress, is urgently needed.
 
I am aware that some have called for a large increase in funding above the amount requested by the President for fiscal year 2010 in order to send volunteers to new countries. Very few of such countries are safe enough or otherwise ready to host volunteers, and there are hundreds of volunteers currently serving in countries with little if any strategic importance to the United States who could be used more effectively. At a time of intense pressures on a limited budget, each volunteer costs the U.S. Government $50,000 a year. Each dose of vaccine for measles, a virus which threatens hundreds of millions of children in poor countries and needlessly kills 200,000 children annually, costs a few dollars. This is but one of the many difficult funding choices our subcommittee faced, yet the recommendation for the Peace Corps is the largest percentage increase in the Peace Corps’ budget since 1993. I and other members of the subcommittee believe that reform, not dramatic increases in funding in a single year, is the Peace Corps’ most urgent need.
 
I expect to recommend additional increases in funding to support the goal of doubling the Peace Corps, including sending more volunteers to countries with large Muslim populations, once it is clear that a new Director is providing the leadership that the Peace Corps needs.
 
Again, thank you for contacting me.
 
PATRICK LEAHY
United States Senator

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah…  Didn’t the voting American public shame you into hiding after the presidential election or are you peeking your head out with the groundhog to see how conservatism is faring?  

In case you can’t see Texas from your porch, I wanted to let you in on a little news.  Not all women from Texas are crazed conservatives.  Some of us have the ability to think for ourselves and formulate our own opinion on who to vote for in the 2010 gubernatorial race.  In fact, we don’t need the opinion of a former beauty queen to validate our election decision because I’m pretty sure we know how to pencil in a round circle next to a candidate’s name without a "how to" session from Wasilla’s finest.  

Clearly McCain’s remedial government class didn’t increase your knowledge about the general election process so I’ll spell it out slowly for you.  YOU CAN NOT VOTE IN TEXAS.  IF YOU CAN’T SPELL GUBERNATORIAL THEN YOU AREN’T ALLOWED TO HAVE AN OPINION ON ANY UPCOMING ELECTIONS.   

Please.  Return to your snowdrift.  We prefer to think of this past vice-presidential "situation" as an ugly farce that should not be spoken of again.

News flash, this just in… I am in fact the most wonderful, fabulous, and exceptional person whom I know or in fact who you know. That’s right, I’m better that Obama, cooler than Oprah, and the next best thing to sliced bread.  You better watch out O.  I’m coming for you- it’s a sneak attack.  

You only thought that being the first black president was special.  You’re going to have to step it up a notch, maybe you could consider becoming the first vegan president?  PETA would worship you along with the baby chicks and cows of the world.  

However, I’m not sure that’s enough to inch past me in this competition- perhaps you could also consider becoming the first tattooed president?  Unless Lincoln was sporting some ink under that stovepipe I think you would have that distinction in the bag.  You would have the vote of every Harley Davidson driving biker and every liberal college student making a statement with the ever so classy tramp stamp.

You wouldn’t have to undertake this all in your first day- you might want to space out these major announcements, over say, the first week?  This might raise your current approval rating of 80% a few more points.  However, it will still be difficult to beat my approval rating- it is through the roof!  With my approval rating hovering near 120% I am simply out of suggestions on how you can aspire to increase your ratings exponentially without a vulcan mind meld on all dissenting voters.

What’s that you ask?  Why am I more special than the big O?  I am merely reporting back what I hear from friends, family, acquaintances, colleagues, and obviously, the world.  Upon laying eyes upon me and hearing the three following words emerge from my lips, "Peace Corps Namibia", a look of reverence lights their face and they shower me with compliments and accolades.  I don’t know why I didn’t join the Peace Corps sooner.  If I knew that I would be idolized and enjoy the benefits of an inflated ego then bring on saving the world. 

Go ahead, tell me how special I am and how I alone will save the world from its utter demise.  

Ok, ok.  I’m not that egotistical… I know Superman and the Green Lantern will occasionally drop in and help me out in this endeavor.  

Who would have thought that little blue pills would make their way into the CIA arsenal?  Not I.  Of course my CIA experience is purely based on Jennifer Garner and Victor Garber’s interpretation a la Alias.  So therefore kicking ass and taking names must be how the CIA operates.  Yet, I recently learned that my hard-ass friends at the CIA are going soft, both figuratively and literally.  Rather than the normal politicking required of the average CIA agent they added Viagra to their inventory, compliments of Uncle Sam, to aid in their quest to make friends and influence people.

Wow. How can a terrorist or Afghan chieftan say no to the requests of the CIA when they have a magic pill that will allow them to have sex for hours!  Clearly the U.S. is behind the ball on this one.  By my guesstimation, Viagra was invented in the early 1990s and was available for consumer consumption in 1998. We have had this secret in our back pocket for years without taking proper advantage of the situation.  Achmedinejad causing a ruckus?  Hand him this little blue pill to keep him out of our hair.  Robert Mugabe imposing imperialism on the people of Zimbabwe?  Crack open a bottle of viagra and throw a party.

This plot is genius!  Why did we not think of this sooner?  I figure we could have avoided a number of conflicts and wars with this miracle pill if only we had leashed its positive powers sooner. I suppose the CIA is finally beginning to embrace the hippies "make love, not war" theory to head off future wars in Afghanistan.  Quite the change in heart, eh, Uncle Sam?  

Do I smell a Nobel Peace Prize for our hardworking friends at the CIA?  Michael Hayden would be proud. 

With the war on Prop 8 still raging more than a month after the election I thought I would show my support by sharing some of the more imaginative protest signs.  If only creativity counted for more, we would have defeated Prop 8.  

Chickens 1, Gays 0

Britney Spears, 55 Hours! Me, Never? 

My gay friends deserve to be unhappy too!

So… when can I vote on your marriage? 

You have 2 wives, I want 1 husband 

Sorry, where my civil rights getting in the way of your bigotry?

Jesus had 2 daddies

God created the rainbow so I could catwalk to heaven 

Did you cast a ballot or a stone? 

My 2 moms can beat up your 14 wives 

Let me marry my imaginary girlfriend

Protect Marriage? Ban Divorce

Hate makes you fat. Just Look at Arkansas

I can see gay marriage from my house! 

And, my personal favorite, Would you rather I marry your daughter? 

Although 6 weeks too late to have any impact; "Prop 8: The Musical" is possibly the funniest and most apropos response to the Prop 8 debate.  Neil Patrick Harris, Jack Black, and John C. Reilly to name a few lent their talents to this production.   

President Bush gets a shoe thrown at him in Iraq and less than a week later a minimum of three websites have already been set up to exploit the situation to allow you, the general public, to do something the barefoot bandit couldn’t accomplish.  Hit President Bush in the head with a shoe.  Go ahead, throw a couple shoes his way from the comfort of your sofa.  Jump on the pop culture bandwagon, it feels good.  

Perhaps the Secret Service should consider adding a simulated shoe throwing experience to their training manual- it may help them with their ability to move a bit more quickly to the President’s aid in the future.  Fortunately for them, Bush was quick on his toes, very likely due to his years of playing dodge ball as a child.  I can only imagine how many balls were thrown at his face before he learned the graceful skill of ducking.  Fortunately, for your gaming pleasure, Bush is not particularly agile and you can smack him a few times as you hurl Iraqi insults like a true shoe-throwing madman.

I was driving home today and glanced up as I passed the Gas Station to see that gas plummeted to a mere $1.59 a gallon. Seven years.  Seven years since we have purchased a gallon of gas for the price of a pack of gum; the stock market was bullish, and Americans were guzzling gas like Saudi Arabia had announced its wells were drying up.  

How the times have changed.  

A mere recession has brought foreign oil tycoons with their sky high oil prices and fatcat wallets to their knees.  Only a few months ago Middle East magnates were chuckling on the way to the bank to pocket my hard-earned cash in their golden vaults.  Now the tides are changing despite OPEC’s desperate attempts to maintain its deathlike vise on the oil industry.  

However, I would be more pleased with this turn of events if the drop in oil prices were a positive sign of the times rather than the foreboding sense that you get when you watch a slasher flick when the girl in a white nightgown runs UP the stairs.  America, don’t we know better than that by now?  Put on some sensible undergarments and run DOWN the stairs and OUT the front door to safety.